


Not without you

by necroalx



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Fear, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 01:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16052204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necroalx/pseuds/necroalx
Summary: After Goro Akechi finally reaches the Phantom thieves, Makoto suddenly starts acting suspiciously.It was during a cursed day for her. One she hoped she'll never had to relive.(Late October spoilers.) written for Makoto Week 2018. Day 4: Fears.





	Not without you

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Day 4 of Makoto Niijima Week 2018: Fears.  
> This will be short two part fic. The second part will be themed after the corresponding 5th day of Makoto Niijima Week: Resolve.  
> It’s situated during the 28th , 29th and 30th of October. So there are some obvious major spoilers here.  
> This part is more focused on Haru/Makoto’s unexploited friendship.  
> I originally wrote this scene for a bigger project.  
> I haven’t wrote anything in a while.  
> But I did my best so I hope you enjoy it. The second part will hopefully be ready tomorrow in time.

“We must change Sae-san’s heart to find out who the real culprit is.”

It was his entire fault…

After a certain event a few months ago, it became quite obvious for Makoto Niijima that she has to keep her brash temperament in check during stressful times.

Her frustrations became even more crushing as the final days of October passed by.

Nobody seems to be aware of her resistance to accept Goro Akechi’s disposition.

Not even those who shared her rejection for the detective (specifically Ryuji) understood how hard it was for her to accept the fact that Akechi was their last hope.

But that was her role as the team adviser. No matter how much she hated it, they had to reach for Akechi so they could get some valuable information.

It became even harder for her to keep up this facade they all had agreed on to find out more about Akechi's real motives when he started blackmailing them instead.

But It became impossible for her to keep up with it once her sister name came out of his mouth.

If she kept like this, she may have to do something she’ll regret. Something that would ruin the purpose of their meeting.

The fact that Akechi’s words and proposition made sense and rang true sickened her.

But he’s the one that has spent the most time around her sister during the mental shutdowns investigation.

And Sae has actually asked for his opinions and taken his advice into consideration because of his involvement and reputation multiple times.

He was there for her sister in ways she could ever dream of.

She couldn’t deny his firsthand knowledge about her circumstances. It was then that the realization came to her.

Because of the Phantom Thieves existence, and by extension, because of her. Sae Niijima’s life was at risk.

She hated this even more. Goro Akechi of all people was forcing her to confront this realization.

She wanted to blame him so bad.

It was such a selfish feeling she couldn’t made sense of.

It was so uncivilized, so unfair, so immature of her. He hasn’t done anything wrong so far, he was only sharing his most usually correct deductions.

Yet, her instincts screamed at her “do not let him say another word!”, “stop him!”

At that moment, the booth she was sitting on felt completely empty. Everyone has gone from her vision.

Everyone except Goro Akechi… and that one frizzy haired boy.

The same boy that was fundamental on her rediscovery of her own sense of justice.

The boy that allowed her to find her a place to belong within this band of unruly teenagers.

It has been like this ever since he started helping her “boarding her horizons”.

The calm and secure nature Ren Amamiya displays in the real world has always inspired her to kept her cool as well.

Despite of his strange quirks and snarky sense of humor, she knew she could count on him at all time.

His presence carried a great calm and serenity to her every time she felt cornered… by herself.

It became sort of a bad habit, to depend on him at this level.

Once again he was there at the right moment with that unparalleled conviction of his. Leading Akechi to believe he still had the absolute control over the situation.

But now she can’t help but wonder.

Why can’t Ren Amamiya just hate Goro Akechi?

He doesn’t lack the reasons to do so.

Their whole raison d'etre now depends of Goro Akechi’s whims.

And so does their future rest on his unproven word.

Why can’t he just despise him and refuse to play his games, why can’t he just allow her to hate Akechi for him?

Under Ren's blessing, It was her was the one who decided that the best thing to do was to seek an alliance with this young detective. Going back from that decision because of a "hunch" would be terribly irresponsible. 

“It isn't something like doing it for a greater justice or for society’s sake.” The brunette boy says “It's something more personal... a pathetic grudge I carry.”

In that moment, everyone looked at Goro Akechi with sympathetic eyes.

But what took her by surprise was the look Ren was giving him.

She was no idiot. She immediately understood the meaning of that look.

His usual calm and confidence was still there. But there he had this very discreet knowing glimpse in his eyes she had never seen before.

They acted like both knew something she didn’t.

It was like a hidden language, an unknown aspect of their personalities she hasn’t witnessed yet.

It was like two children playing a secret game behind their parent’s backs after their curfew time.

Her annoyance had turned into mere confusion in matter of seconds.

The atmosphere at cafe Le Blanc made her feel so inadequate she couldn’t bear it anymore.

Was she really this immature and heartless?

It was the first time ever since she joined the Phantom Thieves, that Makoto Niijima felt so lonely.

She had to get away from there.

 

\----

 

(She isn’t coming again.)

Here she stands in the grass all by herself.

It’s been the same ever since that day, three years by now.

Her sister isn’t showing up to make her company in this cold and desolated place.

She was standing in front of the tombstone of a former police officer.

An ambiguous symbol representing a man’s departure from this world.

One that holds no body, but the ‘Memories of his loved ones’.

(If dad saw me like this he’ll be so disappointed.)

Even after leaving the shop, the feeling of inadequacy hasn’t left her yet.

All because of Goro Akechi’s words.

(Why did it have to be today?)

The date, was one she wished it never came.

But just like she should’ve prepared for this by taking a quick look at the calendar. The younger Niijima knew she should’ve seen Akechi’s proposal coming as well.

She should’ve been ready, that was her role after all.

Yet still, she couldn’t understand this urge to resent Akechi for exposing her sister like that.

The fact that Amamiya doesn’t show any sign of resentment towards the boy who’s currently deciding their fates, didn’t make things easier for her.

It’s been almost  half  a year of her putting up with Akechi’s constant derision. But for Ren, things were obviously different for some reason.

(I don’t need his permission to feel how I feel, but why am I so aware every time those two are in the same room?) she wonders.

“I knew you’ll be here.”

A familiar voice interrupts her musings.

“Haru?”

She recognized the fluffy hair figure standing behind her immediately.

 

\----

 

The tombstone was new and clean, also a lot more expensive looking than the one from before.

They’ve only walked a few steps, but they were now in front of another familiar name.

The kanji carving reads ‘Kunikazu Okumura’

The girl wearing pink was on her knees serving a short memorial along her brunette school mate.

Haru, the daughter of the now deceased CEO started watering the recently put flowers. Makoto decides it's time to ask the obvious.

“Why did you follow me here? You didn’t have to come here so soon after-.” Makoto’s quiet tone didn’t disrupt the pacing of the girl’s baptizing like method of watering the flowers.

“I didn’t follow you. I just guessed you’ll be here. I was going to come to visit my father’s grave today anyway.” She answered without turning to face her friend.

“…” another inadequate feeling ties a nod around Makoto’s throat. Not allowing her to find proper words.

“Besides, you looked so restless back there. I couldn’t help but to worry about you.” The always cutesy sound of Haru’s voice didn’t really match the mature tone she was now using from Makoto’s perspective.

“I’m sorry I worried you.” Makoto says apologetically.

“Do you remember what you told me after my father’s funeral? When I said I wasn’t sure what I would do next?” Haru asks as she proceeds to slowly water the tombstone next.

“…”

The girl stands up to face Makoto’s ashamed silence.

She did go out of her way to visit Haru on her own, using her status as Shujin student council president as an excuse.

Haru had told her about how she thought she had her life figured out until her father decided to marry her to that man for political reasons.

But after deciding to change his heart, her future became so uncertain. The prospect of freedom of choice for the first time almost overwhelmed her.

Makoto knew very well what she meant.

They didn’t exactly decide to keep that meeting a secret.

But there was no reason to share such grim moments with the others. Especially after things became clearer today.

“I’m not sure I do, sorry.”

Still, Makoto seems to have underestimated the value that visit had for Haru Okumura.

“'The most important part of your life is how you chose to live it…' heh.” The fluffy hair girl proudly says as she puts her hand on her chin and poses her body in a familiar and classy stance.

“… Oh, that.” The awareness of their current surrounding didn’t allow Makoto to spill a coherent word at the obvious mockery she Haru targeted her with.

““Hehe, hahaha.”” Eventually the mood drowns into small chuckles.

“Back when you told me that, I messaged Ren that same night asking him if you all were ok…”

She returns her sight to her father’s symbolic grave.

“He was worried about me. To tell the truth it felt nice to have someone worrying about me for a change.”

“Haru...”

The pink wearing girl shook her head as trying to tell her friend to not worry.

“Back then I actually thought about betraying you all...”

“...” The bluntness behind her voice took Makoto by surprise.

“After all, that’s all I was good at then.” Haru smiled wryly as she said this. “If I somehow found out you were aware of what would happen, and that you were actually behind Kobayakawa sensei’s death, I would’ve...”

“...”

There was no need for the Okumura heiress to complete her sentence.

Makoto knew what she was about to say. And that thought was what scared her the most.

“But for some reason, part of me didn’t want to believe it.” Haru continued. “I keep remembering… how you all helped each other to keep yourselves going, how everyone belonged when you all were together.”

The Niijima little sister kept quiet, doing her best to not correct the “you” for a “we” out of her friend sentences to let her finish her point.

“I couldn’t help but notice how you all behaved while we were together. The way you hold Futaba-chan whenever she’s scared. The way Ryuji-kun buys Yusuke-kun food when he's out of money. The way Mona-chan tries to cheer me up every time I'm feeling down.” The peaceful tone in Haru’s voice makes Makoto wish she could break their distance with just one step forward. But this required a undertake she wasn't suited to perform, not now.

“One day, I saw how Ren-kun helped Anne-chan and Suzui-San by extension.” Haru’s eyes are fixed towards the ground, as trying to hide her shame for speaking about something she shouldn’t be divulging “I… kind of eavesdropped them on the school roof...”

She finally looked back towards Makoto’s direction, yet she wouldn’t look at her face.

“At one point, Suzui-san saw me as she left. I told her I was waiting for Anne-chan and Ren-kun to leave so I could fertilize my plants… But well…”

Both girls felt a slight moment of guilt as Haru continued to expose their friends privacy. But at this point Makoto couldn’t stop listening nor could Haru stop sharing her story.

“Soon after Suzui left, Anne-chan started crying.” Haru hesitantly continued. “She said she was all alone again…”

“Anne...” Makoto was startled. She knew how much Suzui-san meant for their blonde friend. She could only deduce from what Haru told her, that she wouldn’t be able to see her best friend anymore.

“You know what Ren-kun said?”

Makoto shook her head. That boy’s unpredictable nature was not something she was capable of dealing with right now. No, that was not it. The uncertainty made her anxious, what would she say? What would he say? Why not knowing this scared her?

“He said, “You still have the others.”” Finally Haru puts an end to the unconscious torment her friend was putting herself through by repeating the boy’s words.

“…” Makoto frowned

(How irresponsible is that? How could he say something like that to her so carelessly… so…)

“It was so selfless…” Haru said.

“Huh?”

“That was so selfless, at least I would like to think so.” She explained with some hesitation “Maybe it was just wishful thinking. But after how they helped Suzui, and how you tried to help me. I realized this is how the phantom thieves really were. I realized that I couldn't betray you all. Heh, he really can be clumsy when it comes to his friends feelings though.”

Selflessness and clumsy, yes. That’s what bothered her most about him.

How he puts himself out of “us” and refers to them it as “others”.

It was so irresponsible, thoughtless… selfless.

That was just like him.

He'll disconnect himself from any attachment to grant people some sense of safety while being around him. Yet he would never let himself completely be part of that haven he provides to others for some reason.

It's like part of his heart is being held somewhere else.

He could come out as such a boorish creature sometimes.

(Why am I getting angry again? I wasn’t even there!)

“I see… Haru, why are you telling me this?” Makoto shakes those thoughts away, noticing her friend was starting to make eye contact again.

“... Ummm.” Haru’s shift her eyes sideways, avoiding her line of sight. As if knowing Makoto knew the answer to her own question.

“Was that why you asked me if I’ll tell sis the truth about phantom thieves?” And that was exactly what happened next.

“...”

Seconds become minutes, minutes become hours. Their cognition of time became stagnant as the cold October wind broke the silence between them.

This place, the memories within and the lack of a certain presence. It all was taking a toll on the respectable student council president’s poise.

Her friend came so far to reach her about this. There was no point to keep up this composed semblance any longer.

“To be completely honest, I am considering it.” Finally, Makoto coldly confesses.

“...”Haru notices her friend’s fist tightening.

“Trading the one place in the world where I belong for the life of my only family left. It’s not exactly an weak alternative.”

Her voice reveals small breaks, her eyes damp slightly.

“Mako-chan.”

“She's all I have left!”

The anger unravels free, clearing her throat as her voice rises through the graveyard.

“...” an inert Haru watches her friend’s fists shake as the brunette brings her right hand to her eyes, hiding the tears she shouldn’t allow to come.

“Even if she's distorted and she hasn't been herself for years now...” a looming voice Haru wasn’t used to continues to burst out of Makoto’s mouth. “Even if our home isn't safe anymore, she is still my big sister.”

This was a bet she didn’t want to take place in.

Sae Niijima, the woman she looked up to for so many years was overtaken by a counterfeit Justice that risked the last bit of humanity she had left.

Her Sister’s soul was trapped by a secret passion she didn’t want her friends to witness.

Sae Niijima had a Palace that Makoto was readying herself to storm on her own as it was meant to be.

But now it had come down to this.

She joined the Phantom Thieves to prepare for this day.

And in the end, she finds herself unable to take that crucial step.

Was this really just a rebellious stage? Was she really still this little girl who couldn’t dare to face the biggest influencing force in her life? Was she really unable to decide the way to live her own life?

“I can’t just…”

She repeated her father’s words to Ren and Haru so proudly, looking up to those words this day.

Meanwhile Sae continued to live on while cursing those same words.

She can’t deny Sae’s distortion anymore, she can’t just go home and pretend everything will be alright as she’s been doing these past months.

It was all fun and games while Sae wasn’t looking.

She enjoyed “boarding her horizons”, and playing the good cop while helping Eiko.

But now that the big moment has come, all she can do is step back because she’s not ready?

No, what is that is causing such despair to Makoto Niijima?

It’s a very familiar feeling.

Her Justice is not at stake here.

Her self-worth is insignificant to her right now.

Sae’s desires and expectations are no boogeyman in the darkness stalking her little sister anymore. She has not been indoctrinated beyond repair either.

What is it then?

“I can’t…”

It’s the absence.

In the end it was all about Sae again.

Makoto wanted to find her own path, not for her sister but for herself. Even if that meant she had to face her sister’s resolve eventually, she was actually ready for that by now.

Still, that didn't mean she wants the only person who’s been there for her from the beginning… to be absent while accomplishes this.

Makoto Niijima is not ready to face a world in where Sae Niijima has ceased to exist.

“I… I can’t just give up on her!” her voice gains power.

She breathes…

She breathes…

Without hesitation, Haru takes a step forward towards the gasping girl.

Makoto finally makes eye contact, noticing Haru’s emotionless face in front of her.

Seeing her friend doing something she didn’t allow herself to do so easily made Makoto instinctively back off. But then... 

“See? You’re so much more human than you give yourself credit for.” Haru says within chuckles.

“Huh?”

(Even she is aware of that stupid rumor?) Makoto flushes as she starts to mitigate her anger. Soon, guilt overwhelms her as she realizes who she has been spouting at.

“I'm so sorry.” The younger Niijima immediately started regretting her words. “It's not fair for me to say all this to you while you're still grieving because of us.”

“No, that's not true.” This time Haru stays where she was. But now looking at her friend with a soothing smile.“We have so much more in common now that what we ever imagined, right?”

“… Yeah, I guess.” Makoto’s voice returns to her usual pitch.

Haru smiles softly.

“How about this? I promise you, that I won’t allow what happened to my father happen to your big sister!” The pink wearing girl says with enthusiasm while theatrically pointing her index finger towards her school mate. Like only the beauty thief can.

“Haru…” The girl with the crimson eyes is taken aback by her friend sudden effusiveness.

“It’s the least I can do, after how you've taken care of me.”

“But I…”

It is a shocking notion.

This girl who had lost her father after being dragged to an unknow world by their flakiness.

She is the one person that had all the right in the world to hate them for who they are and what they did. But she just decided that the best thing to do, is to put herself through the same cycle once again to help her to save a stranger who's pursuing her.

To Haru Okumura, this was the only fair thing to do. Makoto can understand that, after all they did try to change Okumura’s heart to help her.

But after their failure, witnessing her father’s murdering, and grieving him in just a week’s time. Haru was demonstrating she was already past her lamenting time.

She's doing her best to find out what her sense of justice, her heart, tells her it’s the best thing to do next.

Isn’t that what she’s been trying to do all these years too?

“We all have selfish reasons to be here Mako-chan. Mine now is to never allow that to happen again, and make those responsible pay.”

Haru Okumura loved her father, she wanted to see him become the one person she knew he could be without the distortions shaping his heart

Haru knew exactly what was at stake, she hoped for the best. But she only got pain.

But now she has moved on.

Despite the differences in their circumstances, how couldn’t she find her resolve inspiring?

“You’re right. You’re absolutely right!”

What would she gain by playing safe?

What would she gain by waiting for things to happen again?

She almost fell through that same mistake again.

“I won’t allow my sister to get hurt.”

Yes, after dealing with Kaneshiro, she understood her justice wouldn’t allow her to let things happen around her anymore.

She will not allow another case like Suzui-san’s to happen again without doing anything about it.

She didn’t allow Eiko to become a victim just because “it was not her business to deal with it.”

She didn’t allow Futaba to end her own existence before having a proper chance to appreciate the value of the future deserved to live.

She didn’t allow Haru’s future to be dictated to her by anyone but herself.

“Hehe.” Haru smiles kindly at the new resolve present in her friend’s face.

Why should dealing with Sae’s heart be any differently?

Besides…

"We won’t allow it!”

She has found that not doing it by herself is nothing she should feel ashamed for.

“That’s right!” Haru acclaims while raising her fist.

Soon after becoming aware of their surroundings again, they both retreated to a more cheerful location.

They found out they shared a taste for hot beverages.

After learning about Haru's growing interest for coffee, it was only fair to recommend her to reach out to Ren about it.

With his recent growth in the brewing department thanks to Sojiro's teachings, he should be the ideal learning partner for her.

Especially after Haru adventurously suggested trying an expensive

black coffee with.. “eccentric” origins.

"You should really ask Ren to try it, he'll probably have a more technical opinion about it than me..."

She managed to escape the ordeal with that excuse.

Besides she was looking forward for some proper meal to recharge the energy they’ve spent dealing with this emotionally charged day.

After a short investigation about how Haru became aware of her infamous Shujin nickname (with the expected discovery of Haru being classmates with a certain noisy girl she's quite familiar with), Makoto decides to retreat to the station for the day. With Haru still walking alongside of course, who seems to have become her personal cheerleader for the rest of the evening for some reason.

 

Tomorrow, she'll be ready.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this fits the characters personalities and could work as a "deleted scene" for the game. Because that's what I was trying to do here.  
> Don't worry, saving the shumako stuff for the next chapter.  
> Also, yes, I do xps stuff to illustrate my work. I really try to implement a light novel style to the stuff I write. Let me know if that's a bother so I won't do it in the future.  
> Edit: some minor grammar corrections at the end.


End file.
